Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A Letter to My Lily-Pie

Dear Lily:

Here I sit. All alone in my bedroom for the first time in almost 5 months. We've come a long way. From those first few nights, your daddy and me taking turns watching you while you slept, while the other one of us caught a few winks.

Then just me and you hauled up in the guest room so daddy could get a little sleep before work. An arrangement we kept for weeks because you just didn't seem to want to be away from momma at all. A time that brings up only positive memories.

Your daddy, whose new role was to take care of me so that I could take care of you, would get me all set up in our spare room. He set up our flashlight, crackers for me to snack on (I was so hungry breastfeeding in those early weeks), the remote control, ice water, breast cream, diapers, wipes, burp rags, sleep positioner, the list goes on and on. He kept me well stocked. Those were the nights that I would sing you to sleep. You Are My Sunshine. Or Amazing Grace- my grandmother's favorite.

It didn't take long for daddy to miss us at night, so we went into our bedroom. You, tucked away in your bassinet and me, huddling on the edge of the bed so I could frequently peek in on you. Daddy often got worried too, and he'd lean over and make sure your chest was moving up and down. To save my voice, we started playing music that would go all night long.

There were several weeks where all we could do to allow you to sleep was to bring you in bed with us. It made daddy nervous. He wanted to make sure you were safe. I wasn't nervous. I could feel you breathing. You slept best while using my breast as your pillow and folding your arm over it claiming it as yours.

And, now, Lily Pie. My bedroom is so empty. The bassinet has been removed, just an empty space now. Our bed is empty. No more diapers or wipes between me and daddy. No more baby toys or blankets or even your glow worm. And the music that I've heard playing every night for months is now unclear, filtered through the baby monitor. Just as your cries will be when you awaken for your first nightfeeding.

But, the time has come, my darling, for you to move to your own space. You're no longer sleeping soundly with us and you're waking up still drowsy. It's been almost three hours since I laid you in your crib. Eyes closed and so peaceful. Daddy already asked twice if I should check on you. But you're okay. Mommy knows. You just need your sleep little girl. I love you.

Love, Mommy

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